On the inside, I was happyand joyful. On the outside I was trapped, bound inside a shell I didn’t recognize. I was physically restrained by my size and depressed because there was such a discrepancy between who I felt I really was and what I looked like to other people.
I weighed nearly 300 pounds and was a size 28. I couldn’t bend down to tie my shoes, couldn’t fit at a restaurant table and couldn’t stretch my seatbelt any more in the car. My heart ached when I couldn’t physically get down on the floor to play with my children and I avoided looking at myself in the mirror any more than was absolutely necessary.
I constantly beat myself up because of what I’d let myself become and felt I deserved to be fat because I couldn’t control myself.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of yo-yo dieting and every failed attempt was another reminder of how worthless I was and how I deserved to feel insignificant and weak. Any weight I lost using the newest diet pill or fad diet was gained back, plus some. This thrust me deeper and deeper into a dark hole of depression and desperation. Because of my lack of success and the progression of my problem, I felt like there was no hope and I was destined to be fat forever and to never truly become the person I was created to be.